New year again.

So the new year is near.
2010.

I don't really know what's going to go on this coming year.
Except that it will be hectic with work since the projects are due to be completed 2010.
:S

I do however have a few things in mind I would like to try to accomplish in the coming year:

a. Lose 20 kgs - I have said this every year, just hoping that this year I can achieve at least the goal that I have set beforehand. This 20 kgs is a big goal. This 20 kgs will enable me to climb the mountain easier. Not only that, I want to tone up as well. Tough one. A lot of work to be done, but I'm sure it can be done...

b. Read 1 book a month at least - this will amount to 12 good books that I should complete by the end of next year (at least..). This will equal to a good amount of input into my life, be it learning new techniques of management, spiritual leadership, new things about areas which I'm not familiar about.

c. Carry out a consistent quiet time - To set up at least 30 mins in each day to be devoted totally to reading and meditating on the Word and for prayer. It's time to get serious.

d. Do more outdoor activities - hiking, trekking, playing more sports e.g. badminton, dancing etc. Anything that gets me moving.

e. Spending time on what matters most - To spend time on what builds me and what is important (family). Need to start scheduling myself and planning out properly.

f. To up my career/skills - To polish up or improve on my work skills e.g. project management and to also be exposed to new career opportunities if possible and if God willing. Staying too long in one company can really affect a person..

g. Do some travelling - be it to Korea, NZ, Aus..anywhere with friends and family. Somewhere which I have never been to but want to go. Need to save up for this...

h. To be a better person each day - to find ways to improve myself in areas of communication especially in expressing my emotions/feelings to people. I seem to lack in this area..

i. Be involved in lives of others - be it the youth in the church or my highschool friends. It's time to impact people.=)

j. To settle all my emotional complications/insecurities etc. - I have a feeling this can only be settled through a close walk with God...

Yeah basically, those are just some to name a few.
I will periodically carry out reviews when and where possible.

Lord, I commit the new year into your hands.
Guide it as you please as you have mentioned in your Word that Men can plan their ways, but it is God who directs his paths.
I take comfort in Your word.
Thank you, Lord for the year that has passed and let me go into the new year with your blessings!:)
Amen!

2009

It's been an awesome 2009.

It's already coming to the end of November and I am already reflecting.



I remember in the beginning of the year, I did mention that it was gonna be a year of breakthroughs for me personally.



And I think so far it has.

Trying not to limit one's potential to just what people perceive it as is indeed a hard thing.



Well, I'm going to list a few of my experiences here which 2009 has brought me and am glad of it.



1. Going for Boot Camp Trial

This was one of the most interesting things I can ever recall doing. Signing up to wake up at 5 am for 3 days in a week to go and exercises INTENSELY until I could not sleep back after the exercises. This was an awesome idea by my friend Ken Zen. I think I really had fun but during the sessions, it seriously tests mental and physical strength.

I think I lost 1 kg at least during that 1 week...mmmm.



2. Assisting Orang Asli to clear land for farming

Awesome experience. I never thought that assisting the orang asli to clear the land meant climbing a steep hill after the rain and chopping away branches and trees and burning them and coming back down and slipping a few times to fall on my ass. Wow. Awesome experience I would say. Felt good to be able to help them lessen the burden.



3. Climbing Mt. Kinabalu and not reaching the top....

Definitely tops my list of things that I would never do normally. I really love KK as in the mountain and the area, but I dreaded the climb. The walk that took 10 hours, plus another 6-7 hours in the wee hours of the morning and then not being able to make it to the top and then climbing back down for another 6 hours. Hahaha was crazy, but when I look back at it, was damn fun. Would wanna do it again when I'm fitter. LOL if that's ever gonna happen.



4. White water rafting

AWESOME!!!:) PADAS RIVER WHITE WATER RAFTING. Had an awesome time.



5. Mentoring with Gordon

This definitely was one of the good things this year. Having someone to be personally accountable to and to be mentored in areas which are not really easy. Having someone to listen to my experiences and give me valuable inputs. Am extremely thankful of having a good mentor and friend like Gordon. Though sometimes I do feel like I've failed him at times.. mmm..



6. Meeting her, liking her a whole lot and going on dates with her.

Would never regret this. Having someone as company to go for dinners (expensive ones..), movies and just hanging around to talk. Just being with her felt good. Mmm. She allowed me to be me and just to enjoy her company...sigh. And through her, I discovered many things about myself and about girls in general. I do wish I could turn back time sometimes, but seems like decisions have been made and I just have to deal with whatever I have left. Thank God for giving me this opportunity though I do feel that I might have been slightly rebellious. Thank God for parents who counselled me. Thank God for allowing me to feel what I always wanted to feel again...to remind myself that I am human.



7. Being a project leader

This year gave me an opportunity to lead a project under my manager's supervision. Was and still is a very enriching experience in enabling me to lead my project, and given the responsibilities to carry which I feel has taught me a lot. Definitely very useful for my future career.



8. Experiencing God

Experiencing Him in so many situations of my life even when I was rebellious and did not want to listen to Him. I experienced His grace, love and mercies. And even His forgiveness, sternness. And even learnt new things about being a Christian. Man, it is a tough life.

Can't think of anymore things.

But if I do, I will update this post again...

2010!!! HERE I COME!:)

Reflections

As I browse through the earlier entries to my journal in the year, I think if there is one thing I experienced in the past 10 months, is that becareful what you wish for.

I wished to feel emotions which I haven't felt in a long while at the beginning of this year.
And it came to me June onwards till now.

Just wanted to thank you for:

• Letting me experience feelings which I haven't felt in a long while.
• Being the person you are.
• Helping me discover who I am at times and just letting me have fun along the way.
• Letting me develop and mature in certain ways.
• Allowing me to face the crisis of the Christian faith and knowing that at the end of the day, it was a test after all.

It's been a nice trip.
It's been a worthwhile experience.

But knowing that I will never be able to progress any further then where I left and knowing that the battle can't be won without Him in it, I've decided to place this whole episode of my life on the shelf of my life as part of things that I will need closure on later.

At the mean time, thank you.
It's back to being friends for now.=)

I finally understand what it means to have no expectations with a girl.
It means pure rubbish.

LOL.
As long as I'm human, I have expectations.
'Nuff said.

That's as much as I can say.

Changes

I guess I've changed pretty much.

My thoughts, idealogies and concepts are all different now.
I don't know if it's just cause I've been disappointed too many times by holding on to idealistic thinking and found that by compromising that, disappointment doesn't hurt so much.

Just felt like blogging at 3.40 am.

I never used to drink so often, now it's like every Fri or Sat is a drinking night (casual drinking).
I never used to feel so jaded, now I feel so jaded about many things.
I never used to look at girls or check them out, now I do.

My concepts of girls also changed. I find that :

1. No girl is innocent no matter how they try to hide it.
2. Girls somehow are naturally manipulative, but it depends on the degree of manipulativeness they are. Think Crazy-Hot graph from How I met Your Mother.
3. Girls love attention even when they might not be committed to furthering a relationship. Not all but most.
4. Girls are necessary evils.
5. Confused girls or girls who don't know what they want are the last thing you would want to deal with.

LOL.
The thought of getting into a relationship also sorta scares me.
The thought of being restricted doing things that I might love, or handling difficult situations such as arguments and such.
The thought of not being able to handle my own emotions/feelings/insecurities that might carry over to the opposite partner.
The thought that I might not be good enough for my partner...shit that's the worst.

I find that girls that turn out to be wife materials are not necessary the type that I would be attracted to now. I'm just messed up man.

I also shiver at the moral decay in the world.
What happened to boundaries? No sex before marriage? No taking the easy way out?
What happened to Godly values?
What happened to Christians (myself included..)?
Why are we accepting second best rated goods instead of accepting the best from God?
Is it natural human tendencies to do so?

I am deeply encouraged by Christian couples who put God first and things are working out so well for them such as my mentor and his wife (Gordon and Esther), Danny and Crystal, my own parents etc.

There is still hope after all.
I just hope that when I make decisions such as marriage and relationships, I won't screw up.
Sigh.

I just want to return to my childlike faith.
To become a child again whereby the worries and cares of the world were not in picture at all.
Where my faith in God was just faith. Pure faith and belief.

God, please bring me back to where you are.
Help me to focus on you and to obey you.
I need you, I want you.
A broken spirit and a contrite heart you will not despise.
Amen.

Patience

Parents are really always wise.
Even if you don't really want to hear what they say cos you probably know they're right, it just eats in to you..

The things that I've learnt recently (1~2 months) can be summarized into the few pointers below:

1. Parents are always right
2. Am I willing to submit and give myself up totally as well as just trusting God to provide my needs? My dad gave a point where God works in mysterious ways...mysterious ways indeed..
3. Girls who don't know what they want seriously are just plain annoying..
4. Not everybody plays by code of honor / ethics but that shouldn't stop you from continuing to play by the code of honor/ethics.
5. Key things to look for in future wife material girls : oneness, God Fearing and Character.
6. I need to start having some proper, realistic, basic criterias to look for in a girl..mmm.
7. I should stop looking and just enjoy myself in this phase of singleness, for when God provides, He PROVIDES!
8. I need to get myself settled out.
9. Most important : Do not fret when others succeed in their ways, but to trust in Him and wait patiently on Him.

That's all I wanted to put here.

Happiness - The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
I thought it crashed, blowing 80 miles an hour
Happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home

Just a place for my thoughts.

Happy 52nd Independence Day Malaysia!

It truly is great to have an independent country, but the stupid part is having our government led by ministers whose credibility can go questioned...


Anyhow, we should be glad that we finally have 52 years of indenpendence.


I sit here at 3.30 am penning down my emotions and thoughts.

Emotions and thoughts on so many things that I don't even know where to start.


I never knew being a grown up involved so many decisions and priority arrangement that makes me sometimes just want to drop it all down and just go for a holiday.

I feel like there's so much pressure to perform and rise up to the occasion, that it honestly is quite daunting.


So many questions go unanswered.


And they still go unanswered till today.

Whether it's because I don't want to take necessary action to prod those answers out or to the point where my prodding doesnt bring me anywhere, I don't know.

People think they know me, but do they really know the real me?


I think no one knows me better than my own Creator.


That being said, I feel that I've been drifting apart from Him.
I feel that honestly at times, I prefer to depend on myself at times than on Him.
And I am guilty of relying on my own strength to get things done, instead of Him.
Relying on my own human wisdom and intellect than on His wisdom and discernment.


But when something so real and so tangible stands in front of you within your reach and you're asked to trade it off for something intangible and something unknown, or invisible, I honestly find that being the hardest decision to make.


Even what I think is real and tangible is still uncertain.


But still I find it a struggle to trade it off.

I think I never give myself enough credit at times.
I seem to feel like I have low self esteem, which I admit I do.
Especially with girls.

Sigh.
The person who can make you smile the widest can also make you hurt the most.
At the same time, when you try not to expect anything, they do something that creates expectations.
It does get annoying after awhile.

When things seem to be going on well, I always question myself whether this is too good to be true?
Why is it when I try to get closer, there's a bloody barrier?
I guess it's issues that I have to deal with myself.
Maybe I'm just thinking too much.

In the process, I just hope that I don't become too jaded and bitter with things in life.
Sigh.

I'm stopping here before I go on and on. I just needed some therapy.
Some place to place my thoughts in tangible forms even if everyone is reading it.

However, barbeque food and a can of beer with really good friends made my day =)

I don't know when I will see you again, but I do hope is soon.=)

Randoms

I'm quite shocked that my blog has been linked to a few of my youth's blogs.
GG.

I feel so...er paiseh la.=)
Anyhow, my blog is my own personal ranting space anyway. Mmm.

Starting the week off being sick ain't fun.
Not when I have an IMPENDING deadline on Friday.
My boss is so gonna slaughter me this week la I think=(

On another note, mmm, I don't feel as emo as I used to.
Sorta like this feeling though.
But I am sad that I wouldn't be able to see someone this week due to our busy schedules.

Rawr.

I think I'm slowly learning the real aspects of a Christian life.
Facing the real world and the challenges it poses ain't easy at all.
Things are not as easy as they used to be.

Actually they never are.....
Anyhow, I'm gonna get back to my bed and sleep somemore.
Still need to work eventhough I'm on MC.-_-"

Touch my hand

Saw you from the distance
Saw you from the stage
Something 'bout the look in your eyes
Something 'bout your beautiful face
In a sea of people
There was only you
I never knew what this song was about
But suddenly now I do

Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand
Reach out as far as you can
Only me, only you and the band
Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand

Can't let the music stop
Can't let this feeling end
Cause if I do, it'll all be over
I'll never see you again
Can't let the music stop
Until I touch your hand
'Cause if I do, it'll all be over
I'll never get the chance again
I'll never get the chance again

I see the sparkle of the million flashlights
A wonderwall of stars
But the one that's shining out so bright
Is the one right where you are
Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand
Reach out as far as you can
Only me, only you and the band

Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand
Can't let the music stop
Can't let this feeling end
Cause if I do, it'll all be over
I'll never see you again
Can't let the music stop
Until I touch your hand
'Cause if I do, it'll all be over
I'll never get the chance again
I'll never get the chance again

Saw you from the distance
Saw you from the stage
Something 'bout the look in your eyes
Something 'bout your beautiful face

Can't let the music stop
Can't let this feeling end
Cause if I do, it'll all be over
I'll never see you again
Can't let the music stop
Until I touch your hand
'Cause if I do, it'll all be over
I'll never get the chance again
I'll never get the chance again

Trying reach out to you, touch my hand
Reach you as far as you can
Only me, only you and the band
Trying reach out to you, touch my hand
Yeah, yeah.

-Touch my hand by David Archuleta-

Awesome song=)

Emotions

Man, emotions are like delicate things to deal with.
Mmm..I wonder how people ever handle their emotions well.

I'm afraid to let my emotions get the best of me.
Afraid to be too disappointed, but if I never try, I'll never know.
Afraid to take a step further, but if I don't I'll never get to know a person better.

It's like risky business.
To leave yourself completely fragile at the expense of the other person.
Omg. I don't know.

But at the end of the day, I believe always playing safe doesn't help either.
There needs to be some risk taking.
And I guess if that's what I have to do now, then so be it.

All I can hope for is that things turn out for the best.
=)

If not, I guess I'll just have to move on as usual and learn to deal with the disappointments later.
Sigh.

Problems and Solutions

There are times when people have to go through things alone.
I feel that this is one of the times.

I wonder if I ever made any mistake?
Did I do anything wrong?
Am I too immature for these things?

Things just keep crashing down on me.
Even when I NEVER asked for them to crash on me.
I guess that's why it's 'crashing'.

I can't even let my guard down for one moment.
Damn.
When I do, I get hurt and jaded.
When I don't, I get stone cold and consistent..like a freaking tangent to the curves.

Sometimes I feel it's so much easier not to care.
Not to give a damn.
The more you care, the more you get hurt.

I guess it's all a test.
A test which I don't really know the intended outcome.
All I know is that even in this tests which I am facing, I can only rely and hope in God eventhough I feel undeserving.

Have to sort them out one by one.
Starting with my emotions.

August is a new month.
With a new month, comes new things.
Every day is a gift. No point worrying bout tomorrow.
Yesterday is history, today is a gift and tomorrow is a mystery..that's why today is called present.

And so I thought.

Last night's chat keeps on replaying in my mind.
I have more questions than I have answers.
As an engineer, it means that there's no solution.

I'm bumped out.
Crossroads again.

This has got to be the worst week of my life so far.
Freaking 2 days is all it took to screw up my week.

I have no mood to freaking work.
KPI has dipped to zero.
I'm so bloody distracted I don't know anything anymore.

What's real and what's not.

All I can do is let out a heavy sigh..one full of disappointment.
The type that even when it comes out, it feels like a relief but hasn't fully relieved it.

But despite all the disappointments, I have decided.
I have decided that the only way to solve all this is up to me.
I decided to wait and see what time reveals.
The pursuit continues.

And it is impossible to have no expectations.

The plunge

I just hope for grace amongst the midst of turmoil.
The love in midst of wrong doings.
Acceptance in the midst of rejection.

Is that too much to ask for?

Sacrifices have to be made.
So it all begins now..
The tough choices, wrong or right.

Thus begins the plunge....

Will anyone be there to catch me when I fall?

We only get one chance in life to do things.
Chances only come once.

And only once.
It's time to leap.=)
And possibly drop in the abyss lol or not la..

Being a project leader sure is tough.
Decisions to be made.
Plans to be written out.

It's gonna be a hectic 3-4 weeks ahead...or maybe months.
But I think seeing you is still the highlight of my weeks.=)

Woohoo!

Pondering thoughts and farewell to a friend.

Work is utterly tiring.
With enquiries to send out to contractors and tender or RFQ preparations, work sure is tough.

Life feels like it's in a stagnant moment.
Like everything is just swirling around and I'm just stuck in time.

It's work, meet up, play, sleep, eat.
Nothing much other than that on the normal weekdays.

Am I losing my momentum?
My life seems just to be stagnating.

As hard as it may be, I have decided that sometimes the best thing to do is just to trust in Him.
Instead of rebelling and trying to go my own way.
Sure it's a hard process...I am facing the hardship now.
All I can do is have faith that things will work out.
That life will seem more meaningful.
That purpose will be clearer with Him guiding me by my hand.

Anyhow, the girl whom I have started to treat pretty much like a little sister is finally leaving for Aussie land.

I bid you a good journey there and may you have fun and enjoy the years of uni life before coming back or becoming the slave of the work force.
It's been really good knowing you and knowing that I have a person I can call on anytime of the day.

:)

I look back 4 years ago, and the position was reversed. I was leaving, and yet after 2 years being gone we still remained close friends.
I hope the same happens when you go over for the next 3 years.
Thanks for the lessons and guidance on womenly stuff..lol.

I will miss you for sure.

:)

Emotional post.

And so there I was.
Standing and watching from a distance.
Not being able to go near enough to her.

As much as I was happy to see her, it also hurt.
I really don't know anything anymore.
Except, well, to persevere.
Have faith that things will work out.
And just smile while keeping it all in.

And even if they don't, I still have a friend I hope.
Though it hurts like mad...

:)

It was a good night.:)
I think just being able to spend some time with the people you care about makes every moment so...special.
Doesn't matter if it's just getting a drink/meal/movie/whatever.

:)

It was a good night:)

Had splendid company for dinner and movies.

That's all I needed.

Hehehe..:)

So near yet so far away.

Feeling emotions which I haven't felt in a long while.:)
Feels good.
Reminds me that I am still human after all..

Going to be purchasing an xbox 360! Woo hoo..!:)
Also dad just bought a new lcd tv. LOL.

No updates at the moment.
Just living each day by itself.

:)

conflicts within.

Sometimes I think it's so hard just to live.
It seems that instead of living for ourselves, we live for other people.
We live to meet OTHER people's expectations of us.
Of our lives.

Hmm..I just find it quite disturbing at times.
I live for God alone.
I can't even say I want to live for myself even if I really want to.

Man, it's a struggle. :S

And I always wondered how something so good, so right can be so wrong at the same time?
Is it just me? Or is it this world?
Or is it because I've been a Christian for so long that all the principles and ideals are all sown deep in that I tend to think it is wrong?

Of course certain things are absolutely wrong still.
But sometimes after searching for so long and find nothing, the best thing or what appears to be the best seems to come in and you want to grasp it and take hold of it only to find that it is not right.

I struggle. I really do.
I always wonder how the older people e.g. parents can make such absolute statements which youths/young adults tend to take it as impossible or nonsense etc.
Have I grown so open that I've compromised the basic fundamentals of my faith?

Sigh I don't know anymore.
Isn't what makes us feel happy, good for us?
Or is the human feelings just deceiving?

Anyhow, terminator salvation was really good. At least I thought it was.
Awesome sound effects:)

It's been an ok week so far.
:)

True Worship

Verse of the day:

Romans 12:1-2

1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is true worship.

2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

As I just ponder upon this verse, I notice that we will not be able to test and approve God's will, no matter how good, pleasing and perfect it is...until we are transformed by the renewing of our minds.

Living a life by offering my body as a living sacrifice..to give up all that comes natural to me in order to please God as an act of true worship..it is indeed the toughest thing to do.

But I am learning..and am still learning with a lot of help.
From mentors like Gordon and soon Ps. Reynold for spiritual leadership mentoring..I think it will really help..I hope.

Anyway, it's really tempting when you get something you least expect.
You feel like jumping on the bandwagon but you have to hold yourself back and examine the situation before proceeding...

Well, I'm at that situation now.
It's really tempting..but I have this inner me telling me to hold on and examine.
Well, once again I can only submit it to Him.

He is after all my source of strength and wisdom and everything that is within me.

Ok lah, just felt like venting out some of my inner feelings.
Never too good to keep them in too long:)

Till the time comes again for me to update this blog, nites!

Thoughts:)

It's been awhile since I updated my blog..like really awhile.
Well, nowadays I've got nothing much to write about.
Or I have tons and I don't know how to simplify it and put it in words.

Despite my previous emo post, I believe that now I'm a bit better.
I think it's a combination of work + less awkward moments + good company.
But I'm superbly tired though.:S

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get back on track.
If I will ever be successful in life even if I really wanted to.
If I will ever be able to get out of the rut I'm stuck in.

I just can't see the end of the line. I know I'm not supposed to.
But all I can really do is to commit it all unto Him.
The sovereign God.

I'm glad that He has provided many things for me.
Despite my moments of weakness, He provides me with His grace.

I'm just hoping that by this year, I would be able to progress then degress in my walk.
That I would be able to do the things that I know I have to do.
And to overcome the weaknesses that have been bugging me.

Hmm..:)
And I think until I'm done with it, I can never really move on.
Be it into a relationship or in other aspects of my life.

Well, no point rambling on and on.
Time to put it into action:)

I Love You, Man was really funny and I didn't particularly fancy Angels and Demons.
Looking forward for Terminator Salvation and Transformers 2 though. Anyone up for it?:)

Good night world.

Moody post.

So I thought it wouldn't happen.
And so I thought I wouldn't do anything.
I thought the world was a happier place with simple rules to live by and simplicity guiding it.

I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't even know if it's worth being so simple minded and so honest anymore.
Nice shouldn't even be part of the question.
I can't even be naive anymore.

I don't even know why I'm acting the way I do.
So many questions.
So few answers.

The fear of rejection is something I definitely need to handle.
Work place, social place, relationships..all the crap.

My reflection of life is .... there's so much to do and so little time.
So many things to repair and improve.
So many things to experience but limited exposure.

I think I am utterly afraid of abandonement.
And it's definitely an issue I have to deal with.

I don't know la.
I wish all these thoughts would just die. :(

Anyway, Star Trek was awesome!
Recommended to watch for the awesome sound and visual effects plus the story.
:)

Of thoughts and MC's.

So I took two days MC this week.
Officially worked in the office for 2 days.
1 day went for a site visit.

Had like headaches, extreme tiredness and diarrhea.
And on top of that I think I lost some weight.
My shirts and pants feel differently loose on me. Hmmm..

Still gotta read up my friends dissertation to proof read it for her.

Planning to head up Mt Kinabalu a 2nd time.
Just unsure when.
But training has to begin!!:)

On other thoughts...I think I'm too picky.
Even Lisuen says so...T_T wuwuwu..
I don't even know how I got so picky?! WAhhhh..
But at least for the time being, being single isn't so bad after all.
Sorting out my own personal issues and having less drama is definitely good.
But at the end of the day, the feeling of wanting to have someone to go home to or be at your side definitely kicks in..and it's during this time I wish I wasn't single. LOL.

Grass is always greener on the other side eh?

Anyway, I'll stop rambling.
Gonna get by sleep and wake up for a morning jog tmr! woo hoo!:)

Nites World!

Kinabalu tripping

So it came and went by.
5 days of gruel torture...not really la. But it's not really my kind of holiday.
In those 5 days, it was a firsts of a lot of things.

First time to:
1. Visit Sabah (East Malaysia)
2. Go white water rafting while sitting on a man pushed flat board trolley along a railway to get to the white water rafting place.
3. Climb the highest mountain in South East Asia and only fall short of 1.7 km to the summit thanks to my unfit self.
4. Sink my body in the hot springs of Poring to rejuvenate after the climb.
5. Eat seafood that costs RM 51 per person
6. Eat Tuaran noodles and normal hawker food which was much more expensive than KL...

So yeah, it was enjoyable.
I totally got out of my comfort zone for this trip.

White water rafting was damn fun. Luckily we didn't capsize as I don't know how to swim and to get up the freaking raft is not easy at all.

Mt. Kinabalu was a REAL challenge for an unfit person like me.
I hiked a total of 16 km in 22 hrs. We took the Mesilau trail which is 8 km from Laban Rata (the midpoint). Normal people will take the Timpohon trail which is 6 km from Laban Rata. I took 10 hrs to complete that first part.

The only thing that kept me going was that I cannot turn back now and that I HAVE to reach the top.
And really, I'm glad that I at least managed to reach Sayat Sayat which is the last checkpoint before the ascend to the summit (another 1.7 km to the summit).
I was so unfit that every 10 steps I took, I had to stop to breath as the air was really thin. It took me a good 2.5 hrs to cover 1 km distance...which is damn slow.
Hence, by the time I reached Sayat Sayat it was already 4.30 am, and if I were to cover the remaining 1.7 km, I'd only reach the summit by say...9 am?

So decided to stay up at Sayat Sayat till the sun came out and took some pics.
The views are breathtaking.
I'm definitely going back for Round 2.
I must reach the top then.

However, this trip has taught me few things:

a. I am not fit at all and I need lots of training to improve.
b. If you don't have an adventurous spirit, you will never experience new things.
c. Determination and perseverance are both equally important in life
d. God is truly amazing to create such beautiful sceneries and nature such as Mt. Kinabalu..really.
e. I think I'm in love with the views at Kinabalu park...I'm missing it already.

I am quite glad that I did this.
It's something else to add to my 24th year as a human on this planet earth.
Something to definitely remember it by.

:)

Internal Struggles

KK Trip in 5 days.
OMG.

I'm starting to really feel the...excitement mixed with anxiety of what I'm going to go through.
But I guess if I've survived bootcamp, this should be interesting!:)

Anyhow..lately I guess I'm missing Bootcamp.
Aside from that, the internal struggles that put me on a losing end constantly is not getting any better.

I'm still torn apart.
Between giving up my selfish desires and following God wholeheartedly.
Why can't I seem to see His reality in my daily life?
Why am I being stubborn and disobedient when the words have been clearly spoken?
What is up with me?!

I long for a life changing turn of events.
Life changing encounter with my Creator.
With the God who sent His son to die on the cross for my sins.
I am sick of falling constantly.

Why can't I seem to SOAR with Him on wings of eagles?
Why can't I seem to rise to another level with Him?
Why do I seem so stuck?!

I know the reason. But I'm just venting my frustrations.
The reason is me. My own stubborness and unwillingness to give up the selfish desires which I hold close to me.

I feel like that small daughter in the story where the father kept on asking her to give him her treasured fake pearl necklace in order for him to exchange her with a new real pearl necklace.

Sessions like this remind me of my mentoring sessions with Gordon.
Reminds me of things that he said but I am still yet to grasp it and make it my own.
I'm really starting to get tired of not being able to live my life to His fullest.:S

Lord, help me to surrender these selfish desires to you.
Help me to worship you in spirit and in truth and not by lip service.
Draw me closer.
Help me to really just give up these things that I hold so dearly so that I can embrace what You have in store for me.
Amen.

Bootcamp and Orang Asli

It was a real interesting week.
To start off with Bootcamp and to end it with Orang Asli mission trip.
All physical tasks and challenges which I think have made me slightly fitter...lol.

Boot camp was on 3 days and consisted of 1 hour each session of really intense exercises but very fun at the end..I feel like I'm missing it already!

Had to get up at 5 am on those 3 days and exercise, followed by work and by the time I get home I'm like a dead fish..
I feel fitter though. LOL.
I might just decide to join the bootcamp if it actually comes to Malaysia.
:)

Orang asli mission was quite fun.
But challenging none the less..having to climb up hill on muddy terrain with the fear of slipping all the way down...interesting!
I slipped 6 times. Hahaha..was just starting to get used to it.
Cleared up the tree's / plants/leaves to make way for a new farmland.

Throughout these 2 events, the only thing that was in my head was why did I get myself into all this??

I still don't know why but I have a feeling I'll be asking that same question during my KK climb..

Recently, been bit stoned.
At work and all.

I guess it could be a side effect of waking up too early lol.

Anyhow, just thought of keeping this events of mine for my own memories. LOL.

KK trip in 2 weeks time. omg.

I feel so not ready....still.

And that my soul knows very well..

I seem to forget.
And forget the most important things in life.

Simply put: God loves me..and He loves me very much.
And that my soul knows that VERY well.

Help me Lord.
Remind me of Your great love for me.
And help me to live a life that is pleasing to Your sight.

That's all I ask for Lord.
Thank you.

Amen!

People

Recently I've been feeling bit isolated.
Sorta like going through depression.
I hope it's not.

But I was just wondering whyI seem to have a hard time connecting with people.
What is keeping me back from getting to know people without any expectations?

I can't seem to connect with people at times and it gets depressing.
Work doesn't seem to get any better with all the things I have to finish.

I haven't even started training for my KK trip.
I think I'm so going to kaput..

Aih..random ramblings la.
I just feel that recently I've been very isolated.
I can't seem to reach out to people..
There's this freaking barrier which I just want to break down.

I wish I didn't have to feel this way.
And I wish I had more efficient social and communication skills.

I guess there just is something wrong with me....

Of weekends and meaningful moments

Purify my heart,
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy

Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sins
Deep within

Refiner's fire,
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy

Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be holy,
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will

- Refiner's fire by I don't know who...-

My weekend was full of hecticness and reflection amidst the hecticness.
I finally got my E71!:)
Loving the phone but need to ensure I don't idolize it..lest it be taken away from me again!

After mentoring session, I realised that I need to be purified.
That at the end of the day, I need to realise the sovereignity of Him in my life.
It's super hard for me to surrender my WHOLE self...but I want to.
I love the song that I put up in the starting of this post.
It's like a reminder and a reflection of what I want for myself this year.

My meaningful moment happened this morning during my church's first service.
The moment when I knew that I could worship Him despite of anything.
That refining is a process which takes time.
And at the end of the day I just want to praise and worship Him and OBEY.

Anyway, had a hectic weekend.
Was out the whole of Saturday and Sunday.
I'm like so tired now I can just fall on my bed and knock out till tomorrow.

Saturday was with mentoring, meeting, preparation for games, games, dinner and left 4 dead!
Sunday was 1st and 2nd services at church, lunch, left 4 dead, kite flying, dinner, home.
I'm really dead tired.

So much for kite flying.
I sacrificed my 2 hr nap on a Sunday evening..(raining heavily mind you) for a trip to desa park city thinking that I could fly a kite, but ended up raining heavily.
We spent our time at secret recipe indulging in sinful things such as CAKE.
LOL.

Left 4 dead is really cool!
In the sense that it makes you really get involved in the game..I have to admit I'm pretty addicted to it. LOL:)
But trying to keep it under control.

I think serving in the youth ministry is one of the most fulfilling and most exciting things I have ever chosen to do.
It's really great to see the youth bond together, grow together and experiencing God together.
Of course there are downsides too, but I just remind myself that everyone is human and no one is perfect.
Most of life is entirely up to the individual.
I can say this and that but it really depends on the person.

I just don't feel like going back to work.
:S
I won't be having a weekend next week thanks to the workshop that I have to attend.
And Monday is going to be a working day (it's supposed to be a public holiday) for me.
I guess there's not much point saying so much.
I think I'll just embrace it as a time to really get to know more of my colleagues at work!:)

Oh well...
I'm extremely tired now.
Gonna crash on my bed and sleep.
Till next time!

Blood Checks / Tests

I got the shock of my life yesterday when I was following my dad to Pathlab.
I thought he was just going to take his OWN blood.
The conversation went something like this:

Dad : Have you eaten yet?

Me : No. Still waiting for you to go for your blood test.

Dad : Ok then you should do it too...

*I was caught by surprise..*

Why you wonder would I be caught by surprise?
Because I dislike blood tests / health checks. I know. I'm like an ostrich right...
I prefer to hide my head in the ground then to face reality...

But I already know I'm not healthy.
What more when you see it on paper screaming 'YOU'RE UNHEALTHY LAAA!!!!'
-_-"

I'm just afraid of discovering any type of unwanted sicknesses / illnesses.
That is frightening.
But I guess if I never check, I will never know.

And it's always better to know now then later when I'm about to die due to whatever problems that could have been scanned when I do a blood test...

I shiver at the thought of looking at my health report on Thursday.
Confirmed I need to start bucking up.
Need to start really exercising and jogging, cutting down my food intake, eating more fruits and living a more healthy life.

But why is it that it's so much harder to live out..?
Same goes for biblical principles and biblically related issues.
Man.
I don't really know.
Just hope that I can rely on His grace to help me through this.
I need to lose weighttttt!

Anyway, it's been troublesome trying to get all my contacts back.
My new phone has not arrived in my hands yet.
By Saturday!!!!! It should I hope.

I'm off to bed now!
Early day early dayyy tomorrowwww~

Lack of Emotion

I think I am seriously having some problems with myself.
Like seriously.

Was just thinking if I'd be those kind of mushy, sweet talking etc. kind of boyfriend..when I get a girlfriend..
And my conclusion is that I can't SEE myself doing that.
I don't see myself as those mushy guys who can openly declare their emotions!
It's like even the thought of it makes me feel uncomfortable..what more if I actually do it.

I think I perceive myself as the type of boyfriend who doesn't show emotions much, at least publicly la.
I'll most probably be the type that gives very practical gifts / solutions or very practical things instead of soft toys etc. Depending tho.
Even my closest girl friend, Tsuen, mentions that she can't picture me as someone who flirts.
She says that I'm the type of guy who if I like a girl, I'll just go up to tell her I like her.
Very true.
Somehow, I just pray that the person I end up with is someone who can tolerate my practicalisme lol or who is someone practical herself.

That'd be cool.

I guess I'm just not used to showing emotions publicly.
I am a shy person after all..like really!
Sometimes I get so shy with new people that they think I'm cocky.
Omg.
Sends out wrong first impressions you know?

Well, just writing nonsense stuff here which don't really make sense.
It's just thoughts of mine.
Wish I could be a socialite / or a social monster!
But I don't know, I sorta find it difficult to make conversations with people, what more hold conversations with them...
Maybe I should pick up some conversational classes. If they ever have such a class.

Ok. I'm off to bed before I start rambling nonsense.
Night, world.....!

This is for the sweetest friend I have:)

LOL.
You might be wondering why I'm putting up a picture of Yuih up here.
That's because today she did the sweetest thing for me and this is my way of showing my appreciation!:)

Since I lost my phone, I lost all my contacts right..
This girl here, wrote most of the contacts of people that we both know on a piece of paper and gave it to me..!
I was shocked as I didn't expect anyone to do such a thing for me.
But then again both me and her go wayyyy back lol.

Thanks girl!:))

I will remember this for sure!

Tragedy and Love Languages

Today I lost my handphone.
It was a tragic experience.
I finally understand how people who lost their phones / got their phones stolen feel like now.
A part of me feels annoyed that my phone got stolen and the fact that all my contacts have not been backed up is worst.
Another part of me feels ok since I was actually already planning to change my phone..
Bah.
At the end of the day, my right pocket now feels lighter and empty. :(

I finally realised another flaw of mine.
Not being able to love people in their love language.
This is annoying especially when I have so many sisters and a mom who keeps on complaining that I don't love them...though I do!
Women are just complicated...T_T.
So after discussions, I figured that it is mainly because I don't show my love to them in their love language but mine instead. No wonder la!

And I think I've been becoming a bit arrogant lately..
Trying to curb my own tendencies of looking down on people at times.
I want to be able to encourage and not discourage.
If my words do not build, I don't want them to break people.
But I tend to do it even when I don't realise it.
I hope they forgive me for doing so as I don't really like that side of me.

I realised I'm so flawed.
And it feels like eternity to overcome these flaws but I sure do hope I overcome them eventually to become someone better.

I am hoping for things to change for the better
Trying to will myself to take action on things which I don't really like about myself.
It's tremendous discipline..

Help me, Lord.
Grant me the strength I need and the perseverance.
Grant me with Your grace which is sufficient for me too as I realise how flawed I am and how much You love me in spite of all my flaws.
Thank you!
Amen!

Unlearning

Shucks.
Unlearning things which I previously thought was 'right' is so freaking hard....

Valentine's Day and Disappointments

I think this post will be a rather long post.

4 major activities happened to me in this day.
The special day that every couple celebrates as a happy time and that every single dreads..or I'm just speaking for myself.
Whoever created Valentine's day should be shot.
What's the purpose of creating a special day to celebrate love and leave out the singles?
I might sound bitter but I am not.
It's just that I find this day a very commercialised day.
Why can't everyday be valentine's day?
LOL.

Well first of all was leader's meeting in which I felt the word I could draw from it was to be relentless in the pursuit of faith and of God.
How Mother Theresa was so relentless in her pursuit of the calling of God even though she did not hear from him.
The words 'I refuse Him nothing' is such strong words that I don't even know whether I can bear the full fledge meaning of those words that she said.
It feels so heavy, yet I know that at the end of the day, that's what I want.

Then there was mentoring session with Gordon which I discovered a lot of things about myself.

Then sharing of BGR from Pastor Mal and how he met Aunty Uma.
Very interesting and a lot of Christian principles on dating and relationships.
I hope it touched the youth and that they will take it to heart when it comes to relationships.

Then there was hanging out for valentine's with the older youths (Amy,Sarah,Julian,ZiJie,Aaron,ZheXian)
Aaron left after 6. But a few of us continued on and had dinner and played left 4 dead. Awesome!
And then looking at a ferrero rocher bouquet (99 ferreros in a flower bouquet like arrangement) which the florist charged like RM450!!!
Hahaha..I was like I think it's so possible to make it yourself for maybe half or 1/4 of the price.
But a lot of effort la.
Maybe I should save that idea for next time!:P


Anyway, that was just my first part of the blog.
My disappointments vary.
I am very disappointed with certain types of people.
I'm not judging them but just pretty much annoyed.
I find it annoying when people state complaints and complaint and say we're not doing things right, not rekindling the passion, not focusing on the right things BUT do not offer to be responsible or to take charge to assist/contribute in correcting the situations.

Long story short, I despise people who give complains with no suggestions for improvements.
People who complain and never take action to be involved in helping to contribute to the continuous improvement of the situation.
Not only in church but also in work places.
To this kind of people, I can only shake my head.
Sometimes to take it into account is one thing, but I personally believe this kind of things are a waste of my time.
What's the point of pointing out a flaw in the person but no providing any suggestions to help the person overcome the flaw?
It's not constructive at all!
You wanna make complains do so please, BUT give a suggestion as to how we can improve.
I'm quite sick of this literally.

And then the fact that somehow I find so many guys shying away from leadership or commitments to church ministries or in things that can help them grow.
Personally saying that, I put myself on a position where I know I will therefore be judged or tested in saying what I say.
Sometimes I personally feel that I am not fit to lead.
Nor do I feel like leading.
But I personally believe that leading and serving in the ministry is not about what you FEEL.

You say you want to be passionate about something, but all you do is sit down there and expect it to drop from the sky.
You say you that things in church are not good, but you do not want to take part into being part of the solution to improve.
And to the group of people who are trying to improve the situation, you just give discouragement rather than encouragement.
Trying to give a more spiritual input than a practical input.
You say you want to be closer to Him, but you do not even take any initiative to read the bible, pray and seek out help.

* This is not meant for any specific people. Just my opinion.

What is this?!?!
Do you know that if you want something, you have to go and get it?
Nothing comes easy.
If you do not WORK for it, you will NEVER appreciate it.
You reap what you sow.
God never said you reap what you never sow.
Yes, God will still provide for you.
God will still help you.
But he can never help you if you don't help yourself.
Get out of your comfort zones!
Step it up!!

God has called us to be more than conquerors in Him!!
Not complacent, mumbling and complaining people!

It's a burning desire to see the GUYS in the youth take up leadership.
To see the YOUTH themselves take up leadership and take ownership of their own ministry.

I just pray that God will grant me the patience.
I think personally what I have wrote are my personal frustrations and thoughts on things that are happening.
And I believe most leaders also feel this way.

God, grant me the patience and the faith to continue trusting in You.
Pray for forgiveness of any of my sins and if any of my writings have offended anyone.
Pray that more leaders will continue to rise up from amongst the youth.
God, move us all to higher levels with you!

Amen.

Struggles as usual.

It's just so hard.
I know it's wrong but it doesn't stop me.
Why can't I just stop it?!

Would it be right to use the verses 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak' here?
Or more like my mind still has not been renewed or transformed by Christ?

It's like I just feel like giving up at some point.
But I never ever want to walk down that road again.
Never.

Lord, help me again.
I've failed you once more.
Yet I know you love me more than anyone else can.
Help me overcome this.
I know your grace is sufficient for me.
And in You I find my help.
Help me trust in You more and more each day.
Renew my mind and transform me to be more like You.
I hate this internal struggle and only You can deliver me.
Thank you, Lord.

Amen

Internal Struggles.

The difficulty is maintaining strong amidst the faltering.
How many times do I have to pick myself up?

It starts to get sickening when each time you progress, you find yourself falling back to square 1.
Sometimes I even question if it is EVER possible to get out of this rut?
This annoying sickness that keeps on hindering me from getting closer to God.

I think at the end of the day, it really boils down to me.
What I want, what do I choose?
A closer bond with God or instant gratification?
A long term happiness or a momentary pleasure?
Because it is a matter of life and death..spiritually, emotionally.

I never knew decisions on these issues could affect people so much.
But it's a struggle that I have to deal with.
I know the answers but yet I go against it.
It feels like a smoker who knows the harm of smoking yet smokes anyway because of the addiction.

I keep on praying for release and freedom.
But I'm still hanging on..sometimes I feel like just letting go and being consumed..
But I personally have been there, and I don't want to continue in that path.
I want to have a changed life.
A new year, a new start.

God, help me in my daily struggles with my own sins.
Strengthen me to overcome them and deliver me from them.
Forgive me when I falter, and heal me and make me whole again after sincere repentance.
Thank you, Lord.

Amen.

Hunger and Thirsting for Righteousness and abiding by His Grace.

So it's been pretty much confirmed.
I'm climbing Mt Kinabalu in April.
And I'm least prepared...
Gotta start walking hills and stairs more often to build up stamina and leg muscles.

OMGoodness.
So exciting lah!:)

Hopefully my leave then doesn't clash with any MAJOR work stuff.

The year has been good so far.
Thank you God!

Signed up for PT.
And reading through the books of Amos and Hosea are pretty interesting stuff.
I think it's this inward burning desire to read and really just devour materials related to His word and His way of living lately that has been constantly just..burning in me?
I feel a sudden passion to read and a sudden hunger to really learn a lot about His word.

Just hope this fire doesn't get quenched.
I sense that so far things have been going good.
Though I still have to work on certain issues on my life which have been a torn in my flesh.
But I always believe His grace is sufficient for me.

Really amazing.
I find it amazing to think that grace is such a powerful thing in the Christian faith.
It's like I entirely depend on His grace to get me through my tough times and even in times when I falter.
He never fails to see me through. To forgive. To open His arms around me again.
Though there's this nagging feeling that I've wronged Him, but there's a certain determination each time to pick up where I've fallen. To STOP doing what I know hurts Him.

God, you are truly amazing.
I love you, Lord!:)

I am looking forward to a year of breakthroughs! AMEN!

Of internal battles and weekends

Every single day, battles are waged.
Not days, even hours..minutes..seconds.
The internal battle and struggle to remain pure.
It's so real.

Been having good sessions of mentoring with Gordon recently.
Decided to devote myself for the next 6 months to Project Timothy, which is an intensive study of the Bible.
Should be quite refreshing.
Sort of looking forward to it though I have to do a lot of reading.
I was sorta left hanging with my good bunch of friends whom I thought were going to join me.
Thanks guys. You know who you are. @_@

A new year starts with a good start.
I'm expecting breakthroughs this year.
Ranging from spiritual to relationships to career to healthwise.

Weekend was good.
Though I didn't get enough rest, but it was all good.
Spent a good amount of time going around places with Yuihs and then dinner with her family.
Was adopted by her mom as a son for a night.
LOL.
We were only supposed to go for lunch.

Work was okay.
Pretty slow and mundane, but I'm just starting to pick up the momentum.
Tomorrow got a big day with shareholders of my company coming over to visit from Thailand.
So, sort of a big reception.
At least don't have to work so much..*snigger*

Life seems to be getting better and better as I place my trust in Him.
But that being said, I know I am not spared from tough times and persecution.

God, please help me maintain and progress my faith in you despite my circumstances.
Amen.

Closure

I'm glad for the closure.
Though it's tough, but at least it was an honest closure or so I think.
Thank you so much.

A new year, a new start.
Thank you my Lord for your grace and mercies which are new everyday.
Thank you for guiding me in Your ways.
Please continue to guide me as I walk with You.

I look forward to learning new things in this new year.
I look forward to changes for the better.
I look forward to improving myself further.

I commit all these things to You, God.

I'm back to work tomorrow.
Sigh.

East To West

Below is lyrics from a song by Casting Crowns which I found really meaningful..
May it be a blessing to you who reads this blog and note the struggles of a christian.

East to West - by Casting Crowns

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you've cast my sins as far As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned but today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your Truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me

Jesus, you know just how far The East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest (The arms of your mercy I find rest)

Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

(Just how far, the East is from the West)
From one scarred hand to the other

Seriously, I hate this.

I seriously hate this.
Presumably from my own insecurities.
Hate the fact that I'm shying away.
That I'm just being paranoid about things, or am I?

I give up thinking for now.
Help me out of this, God.
That's my prayer for now.

Thanks.

Of emotions and numb feelings.

So I sat down, thinking through certain things.
And I realised that there are things in me which have changed much to my likes/dislikes.

I really cherished those moments when I really could learn to just like someone.
The emotions of being nervous around that someone, just wanting to spend time with that someone, just going crazy thinking bout things related to that someone..
And of course the abyssal awkwardness that occurs when that someone finds out.
Just the butterflies in the stomach.

All the things that emotions bring when you really like someone.

Now all I feel is a numbness.
Even now, when I like a girl.
I just feel numb.
Of course I still feel my insecurities and such..that's quite annoying though.

I hate this feeling.
It's like I'm facing difficulties in trusting people with my heart.
Difficulties in even opening my heart to anyone.
I realise I shy away.
Maybe it's cos of my past experiences which weren't anywhere pleasant.

I am just hoping and praying that this year, things will change for the better.
I will learn to be able to open myself up to that special someone who ever she is.
To overcome my own insecurities.
To really just trust in Him to provide and to wait patiently and not fret.

Meanwhile, I just really want to experience things again.
To break down my stupid self made barrier of numbing myself to these things.
I just want to find myself again.

My naive side.
My innocent side.
My un-jaded side.

Will I be able to find it again?