Internal Struggles.

The difficulty is maintaining strong amidst the faltering.
How many times do I have to pick myself up?

It starts to get sickening when each time you progress, you find yourself falling back to square 1.
Sometimes I even question if it is EVER possible to get out of this rut?
This annoying sickness that keeps on hindering me from getting closer to God.

I think at the end of the day, it really boils down to me.
What I want, what do I choose?
A closer bond with God or instant gratification?
A long term happiness or a momentary pleasure?
Because it is a matter of life and death..spiritually, emotionally.

I never knew decisions on these issues could affect people so much.
But it's a struggle that I have to deal with.
I know the answers but yet I go against it.
It feels like a smoker who knows the harm of smoking yet smokes anyway because of the addiction.

I keep on praying for release and freedom.
But I'm still hanging on..sometimes I feel like just letting go and being consumed..
But I personally have been there, and I don't want to continue in that path.
I want to have a changed life.
A new year, a new start.

God, help me in my daily struggles with my own sins.
Strengthen me to overcome them and deliver me from them.
Forgive me when I falter, and heal me and make me whole again after sincere repentance.
Thank you, Lord.

Amen.

Hunger and Thirsting for Righteousness and abiding by His Grace.

So it's been pretty much confirmed.
I'm climbing Mt Kinabalu in April.
And I'm least prepared...
Gotta start walking hills and stairs more often to build up stamina and leg muscles.

OMGoodness.
So exciting lah!:)

Hopefully my leave then doesn't clash with any MAJOR work stuff.

The year has been good so far.
Thank you God!

Signed up for PT.
And reading through the books of Amos and Hosea are pretty interesting stuff.
I think it's this inward burning desire to read and really just devour materials related to His word and His way of living lately that has been constantly just..burning in me?
I feel a sudden passion to read and a sudden hunger to really learn a lot about His word.

Just hope this fire doesn't get quenched.
I sense that so far things have been going good.
Though I still have to work on certain issues on my life which have been a torn in my flesh.
But I always believe His grace is sufficient for me.

Really amazing.
I find it amazing to think that grace is such a powerful thing in the Christian faith.
It's like I entirely depend on His grace to get me through my tough times and even in times when I falter.
He never fails to see me through. To forgive. To open His arms around me again.
Though there's this nagging feeling that I've wronged Him, but there's a certain determination each time to pick up where I've fallen. To STOP doing what I know hurts Him.

God, you are truly amazing.
I love you, Lord!:)

I am looking forward to a year of breakthroughs! AMEN!

Of internal battles and weekends

Every single day, battles are waged.
Not days, even hours..minutes..seconds.
The internal battle and struggle to remain pure.
It's so real.

Been having good sessions of mentoring with Gordon recently.
Decided to devote myself for the next 6 months to Project Timothy, which is an intensive study of the Bible.
Should be quite refreshing.
Sort of looking forward to it though I have to do a lot of reading.
I was sorta left hanging with my good bunch of friends whom I thought were going to join me.
Thanks guys. You know who you are. @_@

A new year starts with a good start.
I'm expecting breakthroughs this year.
Ranging from spiritual to relationships to career to healthwise.

Weekend was good.
Though I didn't get enough rest, but it was all good.
Spent a good amount of time going around places with Yuihs and then dinner with her family.
Was adopted by her mom as a son for a night.
LOL.
We were only supposed to go for lunch.

Work was okay.
Pretty slow and mundane, but I'm just starting to pick up the momentum.
Tomorrow got a big day with shareholders of my company coming over to visit from Thailand.
So, sort of a big reception.
At least don't have to work so much..*snigger*

Life seems to be getting better and better as I place my trust in Him.
But that being said, I know I am not spared from tough times and persecution.

God, please help me maintain and progress my faith in you despite my circumstances.
Amen.

Closure

I'm glad for the closure.
Though it's tough, but at least it was an honest closure or so I think.
Thank you so much.

A new year, a new start.
Thank you my Lord for your grace and mercies which are new everyday.
Thank you for guiding me in Your ways.
Please continue to guide me as I walk with You.

I look forward to learning new things in this new year.
I look forward to changes for the better.
I look forward to improving myself further.

I commit all these things to You, God.

I'm back to work tomorrow.
Sigh.

East To West

Below is lyrics from a song by Casting Crowns which I found really meaningful..
May it be a blessing to you who reads this blog and note the struggles of a christian.

East to West - by Casting Crowns

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you've cast my sins as far As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned but today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your Truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me

Jesus, you know just how far The East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest (The arms of your mercy I find rest)

Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

(Just how far, the East is from the West)
From one scarred hand to the other

Seriously, I hate this.

I seriously hate this.
Presumably from my own insecurities.
Hate the fact that I'm shying away.
That I'm just being paranoid about things, or am I?

I give up thinking for now.
Help me out of this, God.
That's my prayer for now.

Thanks.

Of emotions and numb feelings.

So I sat down, thinking through certain things.
And I realised that there are things in me which have changed much to my likes/dislikes.

I really cherished those moments when I really could learn to just like someone.
The emotions of being nervous around that someone, just wanting to spend time with that someone, just going crazy thinking bout things related to that someone..
And of course the abyssal awkwardness that occurs when that someone finds out.
Just the butterflies in the stomach.

All the things that emotions bring when you really like someone.

Now all I feel is a numbness.
Even now, when I like a girl.
I just feel numb.
Of course I still feel my insecurities and such..that's quite annoying though.

I hate this feeling.
It's like I'm facing difficulties in trusting people with my heart.
Difficulties in even opening my heart to anyone.
I realise I shy away.
Maybe it's cos of my past experiences which weren't anywhere pleasant.

I am just hoping and praying that this year, things will change for the better.
I will learn to be able to open myself up to that special someone who ever she is.
To overcome my own insecurities.
To really just trust in Him to provide and to wait patiently and not fret.

Meanwhile, I just really want to experience things again.
To break down my stupid self made barrier of numbing myself to these things.
I just want to find myself again.

My naive side.
My innocent side.
My un-jaded side.

Will I be able to find it again?