Reflections

As I browse through the earlier entries to my journal in the year, I think if there is one thing I experienced in the past 10 months, is that becareful what you wish for.

I wished to feel emotions which I haven't felt in a long while at the beginning of this year.
And it came to me June onwards till now.

Just wanted to thank you for:

• Letting me experience feelings which I haven't felt in a long while.
• Being the person you are.
• Helping me discover who I am at times and just letting me have fun along the way.
• Letting me develop and mature in certain ways.
• Allowing me to face the crisis of the Christian faith and knowing that at the end of the day, it was a test after all.

It's been a nice trip.
It's been a worthwhile experience.

But knowing that I will never be able to progress any further then where I left and knowing that the battle can't be won without Him in it, I've decided to place this whole episode of my life on the shelf of my life as part of things that I will need closure on later.

At the mean time, thank you.
It's back to being friends for now.=)

I finally understand what it means to have no expectations with a girl.
It means pure rubbish.

LOL.
As long as I'm human, I have expectations.
'Nuff said.

That's as much as I can say.

Changes

I guess I've changed pretty much.

My thoughts, idealogies and concepts are all different now.
I don't know if it's just cause I've been disappointed too many times by holding on to idealistic thinking and found that by compromising that, disappointment doesn't hurt so much.

Just felt like blogging at 3.40 am.

I never used to drink so often, now it's like every Fri or Sat is a drinking night (casual drinking).
I never used to feel so jaded, now I feel so jaded about many things.
I never used to look at girls or check them out, now I do.

My concepts of girls also changed. I find that :

1. No girl is innocent no matter how they try to hide it.
2. Girls somehow are naturally manipulative, but it depends on the degree of manipulativeness they are. Think Crazy-Hot graph from How I met Your Mother.
3. Girls love attention even when they might not be committed to furthering a relationship. Not all but most.
4. Girls are necessary evils.
5. Confused girls or girls who don't know what they want are the last thing you would want to deal with.

LOL.
The thought of getting into a relationship also sorta scares me.
The thought of being restricted doing things that I might love, or handling difficult situations such as arguments and such.
The thought of not being able to handle my own emotions/feelings/insecurities that might carry over to the opposite partner.
The thought that I might not be good enough for my partner...shit that's the worst.

I find that girls that turn out to be wife materials are not necessary the type that I would be attracted to now. I'm just messed up man.

I also shiver at the moral decay in the world.
What happened to boundaries? No sex before marriage? No taking the easy way out?
What happened to Godly values?
What happened to Christians (myself included..)?
Why are we accepting second best rated goods instead of accepting the best from God?
Is it natural human tendencies to do so?

I am deeply encouraged by Christian couples who put God first and things are working out so well for them such as my mentor and his wife (Gordon and Esther), Danny and Crystal, my own parents etc.

There is still hope after all.
I just hope that when I make decisions such as marriage and relationships, I won't screw up.
Sigh.

I just want to return to my childlike faith.
To become a child again whereby the worries and cares of the world were not in picture at all.
Where my faith in God was just faith. Pure faith and belief.

God, please bring me back to where you are.
Help me to focus on you and to obey you.
I need you, I want you.
A broken spirit and a contrite heart you will not despise.
Amen.

Patience

Parents are really always wise.
Even if you don't really want to hear what they say cos you probably know they're right, it just eats in to you..

The things that I've learnt recently (1~2 months) can be summarized into the few pointers below:

1. Parents are always right
2. Am I willing to submit and give myself up totally as well as just trusting God to provide my needs? My dad gave a point where God works in mysterious ways...mysterious ways indeed..
3. Girls who don't know what they want seriously are just plain annoying..
4. Not everybody plays by code of honor / ethics but that shouldn't stop you from continuing to play by the code of honor/ethics.
5. Key things to look for in future wife material girls : oneness, God Fearing and Character.
6. I need to start having some proper, realistic, basic criterias to look for in a girl..mmm.
7. I should stop looking and just enjoy myself in this phase of singleness, for when God provides, He PROVIDES!
8. I need to get myself settled out.
9. Most important : Do not fret when others succeed in their ways, but to trust in Him and wait patiently on Him.

That's all I wanted to put here.