Internal Struggles

KK Trip in 5 days.
OMG.

I'm starting to really feel the...excitement mixed with anxiety of what I'm going to go through.
But I guess if I've survived bootcamp, this should be interesting!:)

Anyhow..lately I guess I'm missing Bootcamp.
Aside from that, the internal struggles that put me on a losing end constantly is not getting any better.

I'm still torn apart.
Between giving up my selfish desires and following God wholeheartedly.
Why can't I seem to see His reality in my daily life?
Why am I being stubborn and disobedient when the words have been clearly spoken?
What is up with me?!

I long for a life changing turn of events.
Life changing encounter with my Creator.
With the God who sent His son to die on the cross for my sins.
I am sick of falling constantly.

Why can't I seem to SOAR with Him on wings of eagles?
Why can't I seem to rise to another level with Him?
Why do I seem so stuck?!

I know the reason. But I'm just venting my frustrations.
The reason is me. My own stubborness and unwillingness to give up the selfish desires which I hold close to me.

I feel like that small daughter in the story where the father kept on asking her to give him her treasured fake pearl necklace in order for him to exchange her with a new real pearl necklace.

Sessions like this remind me of my mentoring sessions with Gordon.
Reminds me of things that he said but I am still yet to grasp it and make it my own.
I'm really starting to get tired of not being able to live my life to His fullest.:S

Lord, help me to surrender these selfish desires to you.
Help me to worship you in spirit and in truth and not by lip service.
Draw me closer.
Help me to really just give up these things that I hold so dearly so that I can embrace what You have in store for me.
Amen.